Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's day to every wonderful mommy and mom-to-be out there. You know that even the wealth of the world can’t replace a mother’s love for her child. We all know that a mother carries the child in her womb for more than nine months, the real thing is she actually carries him in her heart for the rest of her life!

By the way, this is my first post for the year 2012 and I feel like I had missed a lot of things. I shall start writing something here on the blog. It's been a great first three-years of being a mother and I just won't stop here :)

Reflection on Motherhood

These are random things I would tell myself if I could go back to right before I had my first baby..

1. Trust your instincts because you are a mother
2. Nobody really knows what they're doing
3. Be grateful for you body

and..

4. Take time for yourself and use it to the fullest
5. You will miss your parents
6. It's okay to want a break
7. It takes a little time to love your little one
8. You'll get yourself as a second priority, your life won't be only about you

and on the other side..

9. You're having a BOY
10. You're about to meet an amazing love
11. You think your life is good now, wait until you become a mother
12. Your life will change to a better
13. It's not as hard or even as easy as you expect
14. You will need time to forgive yourself
15. Treasure every moment. You'll feel sad so badly and cry and cry and cry when you realize he's turning one year old because you're afraid you are about to miss the happy moments with your baby.

We found what he wants! Now what?

After some 'experiments' of offering him a few brands of formula, finally we got the finding! The result was: this soy based milk.



This milk was the second last we had wanted to try because Sheraz is prone to allergies and we're afraid soy would trigger his eczema. But we lost hope on cow's milk since none suited him. When his paediatrician offered us those sample bottles, we were a bit confident that this should be okay for him. By the way, we always had had goat's milk in mind for the next trial in case he rejected this.

Regardless how much solid he's taking, his milk consumption per day is a lot and my EBM supply can't cope with his demand. I always found myself in stressful circumstance when I have to make sure to express enough for the next day. I've been eating oats, milk, taking fenugreek and pumping while he's nursing at night. That's what I've been doing to boost my supply. I know this would be a lame excuse but I'm tired.

When DH knew about this he quickly joked "yay now we can send him to his grandmother and .. let's go for a movie". DH and I were movie freak. Not freak really, but we appreciate the anti-piracy laws by watching the latest movies at the cinema, not at home with pirated CDs. Besides, we love sound system effects. I've been restricted myself not to go out without Sheraz so often especially during weekend because simply I don't want to waste my EBM. When Sheraz is with me, he can nurse, not bottle-fed. Those EBM bottles are always needed on workdays and they've never been enough at least for the past 3 months. Even if there are always some who offer to take care of him during weekend, I refuse. I don't want my son to starve on other days because he don't have enough milk. At the same time, forcing my body to produce more like a milk factory which I do not want. That's when the idea to get formula came across. So far he had rejected all except this new one.

So now what?

I thought once I got what he accepted I'd be dancing like crazy. Guess what, I didn't. I felt sad instead. I don't want to wean my baby. I don't want this bonding journey to end here. He still got his right to have the best food ever. And it's still available, and I don't want to kill it.

So I made this decision. I will continue to breastfeed him for as long as my body allows. I will treat the formula as my anti-stress alternative. If there's no enough supply I'll use the formula. I can have a little peace of mind for not worrying whether the little fellow would starve or not. I don't have the need to express when I can't. I can skip expressing without feeling restless when a whole-day meeting puts off my pumping time. In case of emergency, he'll get the alternative. As for me, I'll continue expressing, and feeding him, hopefully until he meets his second birthday.

Confession of a 'bad' Mommy

I may not be wicked. It's just the naughty side of me, which is STILL there even if I now hold the title of a mother. These are the no-no's but I had done it a few times anyway.

1. I once knew that Sheraz had pooped and handed him to DH. When DH asked "What is that smell?", I pretended like I didn't know.

2. I was running late for work. Sheraz pooped right when we were about to leave but we still left the house anyway. When I got to the nursery I told them he just did it in the car.

3. Sheraz woke up at night to drink. Normally he'd sleep straightaway after nursing but one night, he wanted to play instead. I just put him back in his cot and so I went back to sleep. A few minutes later he couldn't pacify himself and made this grunting sound as if calling me, asking for a company. But I just slumbered, hibernating, expecting DH to wake up and entertain the baby. DH ended 'playing' with him for almost 2 hours!

4. One weekend I delayed bathing Sheraz until almost 11 am because I was busy online the whole morning.

5. Now that it's getting real hard to change Sheraz's diaper because he likes to roll over and sit. One way I once did was trying to get his attention by making sound, a creepy one. Sheraz was afraid and he cried so loud that I felt so guilty. Poor baby.
...

That's all what I can think of. Perhaps that proves I'm not really bad. LOL. Hopefuly there won't be any part 2 of this.

I know I'm a mother when ..

..a poopy blowout makes me laugh

..my husband starts calling me bunda

..I find myself washing bottles and pumpshields at 3 o'clock in the morning

..waking up to nurse a few times during the night becomes a routine

..I use the toilet downstairs in the middle of the night even when I'm very much sleepy because I'm afraid the sound of the toilet flush would awaken the little one

..my cell phone memory card is full of gummy smile pictures

..I look at other mom tried to soothe her crying baby with empathy instead of irritation

..the little one sneezes right in my face and I just laugh and say "alhamdulillah"

..it takes me forever to type out a message or response because I'm feeding, talking to, bathing or playing with the little one

..I find myself ironing cutie little clothes everyday

..I find myself put labels with LO's name on all his toiletries and stuffs so they won't get mixed up with someone else's at the nursery

..I try to learn by heart many Nasyid lyrics so I would have a variety of songs for the little one

..I open youtube searching for nursery rhymes

..a big burp excites me

..I don't mind picking the little one's nose

..I start window shopping in baby section

..a 15-minute shower becomes a luxury rather than a requirement

..pooping is no longer a 'pleasure' when being alert of a crying voice

..I still look in the mirror in the back seat of the car so that I can see the little one, even if I know he's not there.

..every noise sounds hundred times louder when I finally get the little one to sleep after a fussy day

..I find myself irritated when someone sneezes after a hard work of getting the little one to bed

..I don't feel it's embarrasing to talk baby-talk in public to the little one in the stroller

..I wear shirts when I'm not really a fan to because they suit for nursing

...I checklisted the LO's stuffs before going out and forgot to bring my own purse because I was so worried I was going to forget something for him

...I have lunch with friends and hardly say anything until someone asks about the baby

..I turn on the TV and my fingers automatically searching for the Disney channel

..everything about LO is adorable even if he just made me carry him for quite a long time because he cannot calm himself

..I hardly wear accessories even earings or watches because I'm afraid they would scratch the little one

..everything I do I'd always think for the little one

Baby Blues

When you think that you'll be a mother, you'll either feel excited or nervous. As of me, the first weeks of my postpartum has not been the greatest time. Despite the excitement of having a newborn, worries on my own capability of becoming a parent strike me. I have thousands of mixed feelings which I wish could have been avoided. If only I had enough preparation of being a mother and if only things were easy for me.

I felt so exhausted after delivery. The trauma of giving birth was so great during the first two days that every time I closed my eyes, I could see myself in the labour room and seeing myself in pain. Luckily the nightmare soon faded away. Then there were the discomforts with the stitches which left me having difficulties in walking and moving around. At the same time, the baby was there, needed my attention. When nobody was around I should pick him up myself, adjusting my position for a good latch so then to nurse him. But I had to do that so damn slowly, as I had to bear with the numbness around the down there. By the time I had settled the position, the baby already cried so loud that he made me so panic. The baby cried, and he was hungry and angry. So there was no proper latch on, ended up with him biting the nipple. He's so strong, he'd push my breast and pull the nipple. Sakit. This situation happen again and again, that I ended up feeling down. When the baby's demand was high, I had to bear with the exhaustion of nursing 4 hours marathon. Both nipples had cracked and I had to cry during the feeding because it hurted so much. My feet became numb, backache stroke and there were only few minutes to sleep because the baby would wake up every half an hour to nurse. Suddenly I experienced irritability, sadness, restlessness. If there's a chance, I'd cry, and I did cry a lot. I feel so terrible- am I a good mother?

As for today, the baby is three weeks old and the baby blues has faded away. Alhamdulillah. However my worries are still there since I'm still a learning first time mom. But I need to be strong, stronger than my little one. I have to istighfar and remind myself a lot that Allah blesses me a child to take care of.