Sad and Nervous

I've been feeling sad these whole two days since I came back from Jakarta on the 10. First, is because I miss home so much. I miss being with my family, especially ibu who has been with me for the past two months. She was always there during the confinement. I miss the house and the hectic of having two babies. I miss bapak who liked to massage the baby. I miss abang who liked to tease and kiss Sheraz so hard and they look perfect together because of their not-skinny-at-all size. I miss kak Zhi and the Samurai, baby Arsyad. I'm sure my nephew will not remember me the next time I see him. Sad. Lastly of course I miss Emma, my little sister who I can be crazy with and show the very true colour of me. My family misses us too especially Sheraz. The next time they see him, he'd be much bigger. I'm sad to know they would miss the moments of him growing up.

Yesterday morning I felt so hollow. It was the first morning since my visit to Jakarta. The house looked empty and Roy was going to work. I couldn't help myself and burst into tears. Suddenly ibu called. She said she was looking at Sheraz's passport photo on her desk and she wanted me to kiss the baby for her. She said I should be strong and pray a lot, InsyaAllah everything will be fine.

The second reason of me being so blue is because I'll be returning to work tomorrow. The good part is my SIL will take care of him at home. So today we've been doing some kind like rehearsal so that the baby will get used to not having me around and to be bottle-fed. I canot carry him and the bottle has to be given by someone other than me. When my SIL was having a shower, Sheraz suddenly woke up, so I had to carry him. He cried so loud looking for the breast. I was so sad. But I had to make this thing work so I just thawed the refrigerated milk, it's for his own good. So sad. I'm afraid he'd think that I'm neglecting him. I hope tomorrow he'll be fine. I think it's better if I am away, he wouldn't get angry of having bottle when he cannot sense his bunda around. Now I miss him so much. I see him but I can't carry him because of the bloody 'rehearsal'. I just can't think how I'm gonna cope tomorrow, the first day of work, leaving him for more than 9 hours!