Intolerable

Today somebody really tried my patience by being a jerk who thinks he's much smarter than everyone. But fine, this was not the first time and I didn't mind.

When I tried to HELP him as boss asked me to monitor and help this PROUD guy, despite my works in hand, he just flew into a temper and said that it's better to handle the work himself. He always acts smart but unfortunately the fact that his ability to deliver the deadline he promises is always a doubt to the boss, doesn't proof he's good enough. His works are not as 'marvellous' as his talkings. And, he likes to cut people off when they are telling him something because he wants people to know that he knows, yes HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

So today I did intercom asking him to print out something for discussion. My sentence went half way because he said he knew about it and quickly hanged up the phone. Heck, that was so bloody rude. Putting down the phone while somebody is trying to explain something. Hasn't anybody ever taught him? And I was in a very good mood. To mean that I had no problem with him! Why would he start lighting the fire?!

My friend said he's bodoh-sombong, which I NEVER DARED to say that so. I don't know what's the problem with him. His being-smart attitude is not something unusual, fine, but the irritating behaviour seems to be intolerable. If he thinks he's smart and cannot accept instructions then he's sitting at the wrong place.

I hate.

The sport I miss

Tennis!

Last week the whole office had a Chinese new year lunch at Sarawak Club, a posh freaking expensive recreational and sports centre where there's no way of me being one of the club members unless somebody is willing to sponsor or unless I'm one of the rich who don't know any where else to spend with the money. When I saw the tennis court my heart suddenly felt hollow. I may be exaggerating, but I don't know how to explain how I miss playing tennis - so bad.

I started playing tennis when I was in primary one. Stopped playing during high school and continued playing when I was in the uni. I joined the varsity squad and we did play and practice a lot. And some more, my hostel was just a few steps to the tennis court. I could feel the fresh smell of the courts and the tennis balls every day. Some how I miss being tired and sweaty after smashing a few sets with the fellow team members.

I wish somebody I know can play tennis here in Kuching. Anybody?

Mitten Dilemma

As of today Sheraz is 4 months 1 week old and he's still wearing mittens! The reason is he likes to scratch himself A LOT especially when he's sleepy and crying. When I say a lot it is A LOT. We just cannot control it.

So, before making any judgement one should know my baby well.

However I take them off occasionally, especially during play time. I always make sure his nails are short and blunt. But still, nails are nails, they still scratch and leave scars on his skin.

So I don't need somebody to check on his nails! Don't accuse me of not clipping his nails. I am his mother I do what I'm supposed to.


Personally, I wish I could get rid of his mittens *sigh*

So, please don't scold me for letting my baby wear them. It's not like he can say to himself right now "Oops, I scratched myself and it hurt. I won't do that again!" As I said, one should know my baby well. And one has no right to judge this don't-know-how-to-do-our-way town girl.


If one says he may delay his hands coordination or whatnot. I may say "no, he may not." I keep on track of what he may be able to do every month and make sure he gets the necessary practice.

So please stop making me feel I am a bad mother. I believe I know what's best for my child. For goodness sake, why should I need to explain all these in the first place.

Sad and Nervous

I've been feeling sad these whole two days since I came back from Jakarta on the 10. First, is because I miss home so much. I miss being with my family, especially ibu who has been with me for the past two months. She was always there during the confinement. I miss the house and the hectic of having two babies. I miss bapak who liked to massage the baby. I miss abang who liked to tease and kiss Sheraz so hard and they look perfect together because of their not-skinny-at-all size. I miss kak Zhi and the Samurai, baby Arsyad. I'm sure my nephew will not remember me the next time I see him. Sad. Lastly of course I miss Emma, my little sister who I can be crazy with and show the very true colour of me. My family misses us too especially Sheraz. The next time they see him, he'd be much bigger. I'm sad to know they would miss the moments of him growing up.

Yesterday morning I felt so hollow. It was the first morning since my visit to Jakarta. The house looked empty and Roy was going to work. I couldn't help myself and burst into tears. Suddenly ibu called. She said she was looking at Sheraz's passport photo on her desk and she wanted me to kiss the baby for her. She said I should be strong and pray a lot, InsyaAllah everything will be fine.

The second reason of me being so blue is because I'll be returning to work tomorrow. The good part is my SIL will take care of him at home. So today we've been doing some kind like rehearsal so that the baby will get used to not having me around and to be bottle-fed. I canot carry him and the bottle has to be given by someone other than me. When my SIL was having a shower, Sheraz suddenly woke up, so I had to carry him. He cried so loud looking for the breast. I was so sad. But I had to make this thing work so I just thawed the refrigerated milk, it's for his own good. So sad. I'm afraid he'd think that I'm neglecting him. I hope tomorrow he'll be fine. I think it's better if I am away, he wouldn't get angry of having bottle when he cannot sense his bunda around. Now I miss him so much. I see him but I can't carry him because of the bloody 'rehearsal'. I just can't think how I'm gonna cope tomorrow, the first day of work, leaving him for more than 9 hours!

Baby Blues

When you think that you'll be a mother, you'll either feel excited or nervous. As of me, the first weeks of my postpartum has not been the greatest time. Despite the excitement of having a newborn, worries on my own capability of becoming a parent strike me. I have thousands of mixed feelings which I wish could have been avoided. If only I had enough preparation of being a mother and if only things were easy for me.

I felt so exhausted after delivery. The trauma of giving birth was so great during the first two days that every time I closed my eyes, I could see myself in the labour room and seeing myself in pain. Luckily the nightmare soon faded away. Then there were the discomforts with the stitches which left me having difficulties in walking and moving around. At the same time, the baby was there, needed my attention. When nobody was around I should pick him up myself, adjusting my position for a good latch so then to nurse him. But I had to do that so damn slowly, as I had to bear with the numbness around the down there. By the time I had settled the position, the baby already cried so loud that he made me so panic. The baby cried, and he was hungry and angry. So there was no proper latch on, ended up with him biting the nipple. He's so strong, he'd push my breast and pull the nipple. Sakit. This situation happen again and again, that I ended up feeling down. When the baby's demand was high, I had to bear with the exhaustion of nursing 4 hours marathon. Both nipples had cracked and I had to cry during the feeding because it hurted so much. My feet became numb, backache stroke and there were only few minutes to sleep because the baby would wake up every half an hour to nurse. Suddenly I experienced irritability, sadness, restlessness. If there's a chance, I'd cry, and I did cry a lot. I feel so terrible- am I a good mother?

As for today, the baby is three weeks old and the baby blues has faded away. Alhamdulillah. However my worries are still there since I'm still a learning first time mom. But I need to be strong, stronger than my little one. I have to istighfar and remind myself a lot that Allah blesses me a child to take care of.

Hectic

MCPD: 21 weeks 5 days

I've been very busy, in a very good way. Being the only junior architect left in the office since my other architect colleague went for maternity leave. Currently two people are having their maternity leave. My turn has not yet come. That's one of of the good things, anyway. There are new people coming but I just didn't have enough time to mingle. My seniors have been busy doing their own works. That's one good thing also hence they don't have to 'disturb' me. So since boss has been trying to give me more exposure to management, I'm doing from A to Z for this project, except for draughting. He said the project is my 'baby' and today was the tender submission to the district office. I felt so relieve that the first part is over.

I've done so many things to get this job done. Starting from lack of manpower from draughting section, I had to deal with only one person who did all my drawings, then hustle and bustle with the panic consultants, had to deal with the not-so-smooth local submission. Not to include handling the other very-urgent-design projects, handling the other bigger on the ground project myself since my assistant had a two-week break after his dad passed away, then dealing with someone who took my work on my desk without my acknowledgement and did send it to the contractor's office without a letter or transmittal form. Too bad that person is my senior. I was so disappointed to know the contractor claimed that the thing is not with them. That really boiled my blood. Then on the other hand my other senior did ask my permission to 'borrow' my only draught person to help his other 5 draught persons to finish his job. Ouch that's not fair. I nearly cried when explaining him that I really need this person so that I can meet my deadline which is only next week. So sorry to make other people read this. Enough, I just need to vent here.

Apart from the hectic situation I actually managed to handle my emotion. (Normally I'd easily cry). So today I asked these two new kids to help me do the colouring, while I was colouring one sheet for their sample, we did a chat. These kids, one Malay and one Chinese guy are actually nice kids you can chat with and share things. Luckily I get to know them. They've been in the office for few weeks but never I had the chance to know them better. The other two new guys upstairs aren't bad either, nor the new Chinese lady who answers the phone and hand me all the faxes. These new people don't make extra hustle bustle in the office, in fact they help quite a lot.

So today after office hour I and DH went out for early dinner. Hectic in relationship happens sometimes. Today it was nothing, merajuk only because I was in a middle of eating when DH showed himself restless and wanted to go home early. It was windy and normally he couldn't stand to sit long. I didn't enjoy the food because of the rush so I ended up merajuk. Ish. Once we arrived home, DH took one of the hibiscus flowers near our gate and gave it to me. So sweet. He always knows how to win the heart. :)

Note: the flower shriveled up because of the a/cond.

Annoyed..

MCPD: 14 weeks 3 days

So I really want to have an ultrasound scan since I haven't had any and that my father asked me about the image. My sister-in-law who also happens to be preggers has got one and everyone is excited to see mine too. Since I went to government's clinic for follow-ups which hasn't done any yet, so I decided to have one at private which I thought would entertain me on that. So I called them and asked whether I could have one at this stage or not. And they said 'yes' cause I'm already more than 3 months. The dissapointment started when I met the obgyn she said I don't have to waste my time having the scan since it's not the time. What the *? I was thinking she is the one who's wasting my time! I did call them and they even okay'd it. It's the purpose of me going there anyway. She did a normal check up which I thought I even had that better at the gomen's clinic. She expected me to come back for another 5 weeks to have one! I don't like this obgyn, she acts as if she doesn't care what we think. There were few questions I ask and I know since I'd be paying more to have consultation there, I'd ask a lot of questions, she didn't even care to assist me. She talks fast, very aggressive, not calming. I did also ask that I'm not sure my EDD since my cycle is 34days, to my surprise how come she could say "it doesn't matter". What the *? I was really pissed off and no way I would go there ever again! This obgyn is the one my aunt has recommended. Guess it's just not my 'taste' at all! I don't pay them just to get dissapointment. So I stepped out and I had to pay $40 for the very unnecessary check-up. Why $40? Just don't ask me, I didn't get any supplements either. So bye bye to the so called 'good' DR. C.M. Wong. (Yes, this can be a boycott advert).

My Worries

MCPD: 5 weeks 6 days

This is my first pregnancy- (as most of you know). I know that miscarriage would happen easily at the first trimester. I have been told about this so many times. Everyone is advising almost the same thing. I take it as something to be seriously considered, that I should be extra careful. It's just that I become so worry and the fear of getting m/c is haunting me. But worrying won't do any good to me or the LO. What I should do is to pray a lot and hope for the best. I and DH are really expecting the baby. I hope I will enjoy my pregnancy so much and experience happy and healthy joyful moments. I shouldn't be worried too much. I guess good thoughts and possitive attitude in our mind is what we need. May Allah give us strength.